Masturbating Chiropractor

Perry, Iowa.  A Perry chiropractor is charged with assault after a patient reported him to police. According to the complaint, a woman being examined for a back injury was lying on her stomach when Duffy pulled up her shirt to expose her lower back. According to the woman’s statement, Duffy began massaging her lower right back and buttocks area. Sometime during the exam Duffy left the exam room. He then returned to the room and stood on the left side of the table. The woman told authorities that at that point she heard Duffy unzip his pants and heard what she described as “masturbating.” The woman said that after the exam her mother took her to the police station. Police swabbed her lower back for evidence. The state Division of Criminal Investigation lab confirmed that sperm from the lower back swabs on the woman matched Duffy’s DNA profile. Duffy declined to comment on camera on the advice of his attorney, but said he’s worried about his two young children and his family’s future in Iowa. Duffy told KCCI that he’s innocent. Duffy has pleaded not guilty to the misdemeanor charge. He’s requested a jury trial.



I’m a little confused here as to how Duffy is pleading not guilty and proclaiming his innocence?  Umm, I hate to break it you bro, but your kids were all over this chick’s back?  Like this ain’t 1975 homie.  They got these things called DNA tests now and they eat lower back sperm samples for breakfast.  And I’m not sure but I think this may be one of the hardest situations to talk yourself out of in the history of awkward hookup rape-like situations.  Sperm from your dick all over her back.  I believe that’s what they refer to in the Wire as a 'dunker.'